I Know Who You Googled Last Summer

An alarming new technological development has come to my attention, and as a conscientious blog owner I have decided to share the news with those of you not yet in the know. A tool has been developed to trace the IP addresses (and shortly identities) of googlers worldwide. You know what this means, don’t you? Covert stalkers (i.e., you and me) have been exposed and are now at the mercy of the individuals whose names people their (our) google searches.

No more browsing through the pages of our crushes, arch-nemeseses (not a spelling mistake, this is gratuitous Buffy reference #412), colleagues, suspicious neighbors, competitors, new friends… (let’s face it, I think the list was done with item 1).

The only encouragement I draw from this piece of information is the fact that most people who actually care enough to pay for this program are probably going to come to the aching realization that they are the only ones googling themselves…

As Woody Allen says in Annie Hall, “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love..”

Ode to Tromsø

Here my sneakers rest

I’d really like to jog outside
to trot, to hop, to skip
The sun is always shining bright
The sea, the green, the ships.

Tiny hitch, my sneakers, see
Left somewhere in a heap.
High heels won’t do, I’ve hit a snag
I think I’ll go to sleep.

A 21st Century Human Paradox

We just love having friends. Online, that is. Hey, look at me – I have so and so friends on Facebook, so and so followers on twitter. So many connections on Linkedin and Myspace or whatever other otherworldly connectedness one subscribes to. We email, tweet, fax, call and text each other 24/7.

And yet, the minute we go outside, inevitably stepping away from the computer screen we do whatever we can to avoid actual ‘togetherness’ – for lack of a better word. We’re constantly tuned in to our ipads/cellphones and other gadgets. Our ears are constantly plugged into ipods and mp3 players. We organize massive raves where hundreds of people all listen to their own personal devices (separately) and dance ‘together.’

No value judgments. Just ruminatin’.

Time Saved

Ah! The magic of the internet. How many conversations have we devoted to the wonders of technology and all that time saved. Imagine having to run down to the creek to do your laundry, or having to run down to the barn to get some milk. Hmm… I think I channeled a bit too much of ‘Little House on the Prairie’ with those examples there. Perhaps it would be best to focus on things closer to home. Remember when you had to take a letter to the post office for stamps? That endless waiting behind people with enormous parcels and stacks of mail… Well. Who does that anymore? We write, we click, it’s there. No endless waiting. No suspicious odors coming from the person waiting in front. It’s all good.

There is a but, of course. Ever since the power has been stripped of travel agents, sales people and so on, ever since the internet has endowed us with the ability to shop for what we need at the price that suits us best, shopping, ordering and booking has started to take me AGES!!! You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? There’s got to be a cheaper option. Better seats. A better hotel. A better vacation spot. AH! It’s endless!

My husband knows the drill. He leaves for work in the morning and I bid him farewell with a skip and a hop, stating that I will start my day by ordering the vacation we agreed on. By the time he comes home, hours and hours later – he knows I’m going to be glued to the computer screen, shoulders hunched, eyes blazing. Stepping cautiously into the other room he will close the door behind him hoping for the best. Finally, worried about my sanity (at this point I will be yelling at the computer at the top of my lungs and threatening to fling it from the window) he will tiptoe toward me and suggest I choose whatever I happen to be checking at the moment, throw caution to the wind, turn off the computer and join him for a nice quiet evening.

HA!

No chance. A quick glance in his direction will usually send him running for cover. And the ritual will continue, taking anything from 3 days to a week, at the end of which my hair will be standing on end, my eyes blurry and my mood – militant. And the vacation? It usually ends up being the first choice I checked out. A much more expensive version of that original choice – mind you. All those days spent hunting for better options just hike up the price.

I’m trying to kick the habit. I’ve found a very nice travel agent down the street. So now I spend a couple of days looking for better and cheaper options and then go see her. She’s better than a shrink.

Spam me, baby!

I'm here for the spam.

It’s been a long time since spam was something you opened with a can opener (or opened at all, for that matter). The much maligned mystery meat now assumes more threatening potential, even if it has kept its pedestrian packaging. “Hello friend!” Mr. Zombo Gonzoogo greets you as you open your inbox. “Claim your reward,” the National Lottery whispers as you press ‘delete all’ with an icy stare. Not to mention the kind offers to enhance, reduce, raise, lower and so forth. Going to the dark-alley pharmacy has never been easier.

But, lo and behold, spam is increasingly impinging on my blogging life. At first I was a bit mystified by ‘Akismet’ and its big brother eyes watching over me, protecting me from harm. Hey, it’s a blog, not an email account, I thought innocently. And it did its thing – quietly ridding my neat little world of that unsightly trash, sending it to its special place, garbage dump of cyberspace.

But recently, Akismet started sending some of the comments made on my blog to the spam folder. Curious, I checked to see what it was and found that Akismet was protecting me from the likes of – “Loved your blog, I sent it to all my friends.” Or, “Thanks for this informative information, your style is very informative.” I was confused. Is this spam? Or adulation? Isn’t it just a case of – “you love me, you really love me?” So I posted the things. Approved them right and center.

The other day I followed a link from one of these congratulatory notes. Gulp! I didn’t know the human body could be so… so… shiny!

So there it is. Now you know. I sift through comments much more carefully these days. I am particularly suspicious of people with nice things to say. You love me? Go to hell!

Fresher than Ever (aka WordPress Rocks!)

I had a rather pleasant surprise waiting for me in my inbox this morning (and not one of those ‘is this another Viagra add or are you just happy to see me’ surprises, either). WordPress sent me a love letter (well, it felt like it anyway). It was a completely unsolicited panoply of praise.

Of course I was rather dubious at first about the whole thing. Fresher than ever? Me? I’m happy if 8 people stumble my way on a given day. In July of this year some 27 individuals (not all of them blood relatives, mind you) marked the height of my popularity. It was a true thrill. And I still take pleasure in reminiscing over my finest (albeit brief) hour. Oh, the glory days.

But then I thought – if I’m fresher than ever – that means there are no ‘damn man, you stink’ – or ‘BO central’, no ‘rotting eggs’ or ‘skunk town’. And you know what, that makes me happy. I’ve already noted that WordPress fosters comradery, support, friendship, smileys all round. And I think that’s great. I love being fresher than ever. If only I could rename my blog ‘pine scent’.

Hey Andy, Joen, Martin and Zé – I love you guys. You’re the best!!

2010 in review

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Fresher than ever.

Crunchy numbers

A helper monkey made this abstract painting, inspired by your stats.

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 1,300 times in 2010. That’s about 3 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 25 new posts, not bad for the first year! There were 46 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 16mb. That’s about 4 pictures per month.

The busiest day of the year was July 20th with 27 views. The most popular post that day was My “Are you Rubinstein?” Story.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were WordPress Dashboard, mail.yahoo.com, digg.com, obama-scandal-exposed.co.cc, and en.wordpress.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for onmywaytomentalhealth, satanic numbers, midway through my life’s journey, “interpretation does not have to be true or false. it has to be just”, and lonely frightened girl.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

My “Are you Rubinstein?” Story July 2010
3 comments

2

Facebook Phobics Anonymous August 2010
7 comments

3

French Kissing October 2010
5 comments

4

Enough about you, let’s talk about me March 2010
1 comment

5

Blogging Turn-Offs September 2010
7 comments and 1 Like on WordPress.com,